People-pleasing can look different in everybody, but usually comes across as being overly kind, generous, and “easy-going.” Many individuals who struggle with people-pleasing tend to have the automatic response of saying “yes” to everything, even though they wish they told someone “no.” Over time, this behavior manifests into your needs being pushed aside to avoid conflict or disappointing others.
People-pleasing can take a toll on your well-being. While it may provide short-term relief, it can eventually lead to stress, burnout, resentment, anxiety, and a weakened sense of self.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is the pattern of prioritising other peoples’ needs or comfort over your own, and is usually at the expense of your own well-being. It typically involves agreeing to things you do not want to do, apologising when you are not in the wrong, or even just feeling responsible and at fault for others’ changing emotions.
In many cases, individuals tend to people-please in order to feel accepted and safe from rejection. In your own life, being more agreeable with others tends to gain you more approval
and acceptance from the people around you and whenever you disagree with someone, that opens the door for more criticism. But having the ability to say “no” sometimes is beneficial for your relationships and sets healthy boundaries.
Common Signs of People-Pleasing May Include…
- Saying yes when you want to say no
- Feeling guilty when you set boundaries
- Apologising excessively
- Avoiding conflict, even when something matters to you
- Worrying about whether people are upset with you
- Feeling responsible for other people’s moods
- Not communicating your feelings with others to keep the peace
- Feeling resentful, exhausted, or taken for granted
How to Break The Cycle and Set Healthy Boundaries
To undo these habits does not mean you have to be a selfish or unkind person, it just means that your needs matter too. A helpful first step could be to pause before saying “yes,” which allows yourself to think about the request before immediately trying to help another.
It also may be helpful to notice when your body is trying to send you a signal that something is wrong. For instance, you may feel pressured or resent someone, and this may be a clear sign that you should put up a boundary. Practising small boundaries such as, “I’m not available that day,” or something as simple as, “that doesn’t work for me,” are good ways to start.
Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, especially when pleasing others is your normal everyday pattern. However, the guilt of first putting up a boundary does not mean you have done anything wrong, it just means you are now standing up and advocating for yourself and your own needs.
This is where therapy comes in. Having a safe space to express your feelings and how people-pleasing affects your relationships creates a deepened sense of awareness that will
ultimately yield a stronger sense of sense for you. With support from our therapists, it is possible to practise setting healthy boundaries, and learn that your value is not dependent on keeping everyone else happy. Being kind and considerate to others is certainly a strength, but it should not come at the cost of abandoning your own needs.
